Initial Batch of Questions Answered

Now that I am through complaining, on to the important stuff. So many questions, and so little time with your pitifully minute mortal lifespans. Sorry about that...my bad. So I keep a running tally of the most popular questions at any given time. Usually they are pretty much the same for any given era. For instance, at the moment, the numero uno question is "Are you real?" or variations thereof (i.e. "do you exist?"). I batch all of those together.

Now, 100 years ago, the most popular question was not one that sought to confirm my existence, but rather clarifying my wishes (i.e. "How do you want me to live my life?", "Am I making the right choice?", etc .).

What's funny is that if you go back 1000 years, it's a whole different story. People would ask a question, not even give me a chance to answer in my own way and then start making up their damned minds! Example: "Holiest Lord in the heavens above...God of all things here and there and everywhere else...[they were much more flowery back in the day]...Sweet, gracious, wondrous, studious Father of sweetness...shall I fight the [insert enemy here] who defile your beautificus plains with their smelly feet and scabby elbows? Should I kill them all...every one that I see? Or just some? All of them? Most of them? Be merciful on a few? Yes...okay...I will do your bidding, my Lord."

Yeah, things change, but not really. You'd be surprised how much of that crap I still get.

On to the top 5:
Q: Are you real?
A: No. (I've always wanted to answer that way!! Have some kid be kneeling by his bed, praying sweetly, ask "Can you even hear me...are you really real?" and then I bust out the echoing boom voice: {{{"NO!"}}} and let him figure out what the hell that meant.

Q: Whose side are you on?
A: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: YOURS. What do I say if they ask me the same question? Well, what do you think?

Q: Was Jesus your son?
A: This is an easy one for me to dodge folks: Of course..you ALL are my children. ZANG! (that's the sound of a lightning bolt, by the way. It's my trademark, occasionally represented in print with a simple "Z!")

Q: Why don't you talk to people anymore?
A: Look, gimme a break. I don't want to go messing with any of your existing traditions, okay? Someone says Abraham went up on a hill and I gave him ten commandments, if that makes you happy, keep believing it. For the longest time, some Nordic brute named Thor was supposed to be my son! It's hard for me to keep up sometimes, alright? I've never wanted to talk to people because I'd always be saying the wrong thing to someone. The right thing for Noah is the wrong thing for Su Ming.
Derivative question from above: so why are you writing this blog?
A: People say whatever they want on the internet, why can't I?

Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Exactly.

Okeedokey, now that I got the generic ones out of the way, I'm going to answer a random assortment of prayers I get in the next minute.

Paul-Henri Gravois; Nantes, France: Go upstairs, into your bedroom, move the lamp off the nightstand, slide the nightstand away from the wall. Yeah, it rolled right off.

Muunokhoi Bat; Orkhon, Mongolia: No you may not. Freak.

Francisco De La Rosa-Varela; La Plata, Argentina: Yes.

Craig Gilman; Concord, NH, USA: Use these tomorrow 4 - 8 - 23 - 31 - 46 » 11

Homeless guy outside the Green Line's Austin station, Chicago, IL: Go three blocks East, turn left down that alley, 4th garage on the right. Yeah, check out what some idiot threw out! Score!

That will do it for today, faithful. More to come next time.