Now that I am through complaining, on to the important stuff. So many questions, and so little time with your pitifully minute mortal lifespans. Sorry about that...my bad. So I keep a running tally of the most popular questions at any given time. Usually they are pretty much the same for any given era. For instance, at the moment, the numero uno question is "Are you real?" or variations thereof (i.e. "do you exist?"). I batch all of those together.
Now, 100 years ago, the most popular question was not one that sought to confirm my existence, but rather clarifying my wishes (i.e. "How do you want me to live my life?", "Am I making the right choice?", etc .).
What's funny is that if you go back 1000 years, it's a whole different story. People would ask a question, not even give me a chance to answer in my own way and then start making up their damned minds! Example: "Holiest Lord in the heavens above...God of all things here and there and everywhere else...[they were much more flowery back in the day]...Sweet, gracious, wondrous, studious Father of sweetness...shall I fight the [insert enemy here] who defile your beautificus plains with their smelly feet and scabby elbows? Should I kill them all...every one that I see? Or just some? All of them? Most of them? Be merciful on a few? Yes...okay...I will do your bidding, my Lord."
Yeah, things change, but not really. You'd be surprised how much of that crap I still get.
On to the top 5:
Q: Are you real?
A: No. (I've always wanted to answer that way!! Have some kid be kneeling by his bed, praying sweetly, ask "Can you even hear me...are you really real?" and then I bust out the echoing boom voice: {{{"NO!"}}} and let him figure out what the hell that meant.
Q: Whose side are you on?
A: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: YOURS. What do I say if they ask me the same question? Well, what do you think?
Q: Was Jesus your son?
A: This is an easy one for me to dodge folks: Of course..you ALL are my children. ZANG! (that's the sound of a lightning bolt, by the way. It's my trademark, occasionally represented in print with a simple "Z!")
Q: Why don't you talk to people anymore?
A: Look, gimme a break. I don't want to go messing with any of your existing traditions, okay? Someone says Abraham went up on a hill and I gave him ten commandments, if that makes you happy, keep believing it. For the longest time, some Nordic brute named Thor was supposed to be my son! It's hard for me to keep up sometimes, alright? I've never wanted to talk to people because I'd always be saying the wrong thing to someone. The right thing for Noah is the wrong thing for Su Ming.
Derivative question from above: so why are you writing this blog?
A: People say whatever they want on the internet, why can't I?
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Exactly.
Okeedokey, now that I got the generic ones out of the way, I'm going to answer a random assortment of prayers I get in the next minute.
Paul-Henri Gravois; Nantes, France: Go upstairs, into your bedroom, move the lamp off the nightstand, slide the nightstand away from the wall. Yeah, it rolled right off.
Muunokhoi Bat; Orkhon, Mongolia: No you may not. Freak.
Francisco De La Rosa-Varela; La Plata, Argentina: Yes.
Craig Gilman; Concord, NH, USA: Use these tomorrow 4 - 8 - 23 - 31 - 46 » 11
Homeless guy outside the Green Line's Austin station, Chicago, IL: Go three blocks East, turn left down that alley, 4th garage on the right. Yeah, check out what some idiot threw out! Score!
That will do it for today, faithful. More to come next time.
Monday
You Don't Make it Easy
I suppose I should have jumped on the bandwagon sooner, but this has been a trying experience creating a new forum.
I'm obviously not accustomed to expending much effort to get things done, and I'm also not the sort to complain about not getting my way. But as I have been known to be angry from time to time, I think it is best for all that I express my exasperation at this whole internet experience.
First, I tried to acquire the domain name god.com. That was a no go, so I tried some of the alternatives...god.net, god.org, even god.info and god.biz. There were a few oddball, geography-oriented extensions available, such as .qc.com and .se.net, but I didn't want to appear biased toward any particular region. Besides those places are lame anyway.
Then I tried out thelord.com, but some asshole is using it as a money-making search portal (excuse my French). Iamthelord.com, iamgod.com, yhwh.com...you name it, someone's got it. So I made some phone calls. Would you believe that Network Solutions offered to sell me one of my requested domain name choices for $12,000? I explained who I was and the reason for my request and the customer service rep, Gary Elsley, laughed and suggested that I was a mentally disabled person. Guess who got in a car accident on their way home last week? Don't worry, he'll be alright. The irony was that he was doing a whole lot of praying on the ambulance ride.
Anyway, so I finally tracked down what I hope is a good place to set up shop. I'll be answering all questions, whether they are posted here or simply thought. There will also be plenty of clarifications on misunderstandings throughout the ages, specific arguments addressed, and the meaning of life explained (since everyone is so interested) .
Some ground rules:
1. Don't correct my spelling or grammar. Remember, all of that stuff is from someone's imagination.
2. Don't bash anyone else's questions. Just because they're stupid, doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
3. Don't ask me why any specific person 'had to die' or any other depressing crap like that (you don't really want me to tell you anyway!).
That's about it! Everything else goes. It's a free universe, right? Unless you're trying to get a goddam domain name.
-IATIA
I'm obviously not accustomed to expending much effort to get things done, and I'm also not the sort to complain about not getting my way. But as I have been known to be angry from time to time, I think it is best for all that I express my exasperation at this whole internet experience.
First, I tried to acquire the domain name god.com. That was a no go, so I tried some of the alternatives...god.net, god.org, even god.info and god.biz. There were a few oddball, geography-oriented extensions available, such as .qc.com and .se.net, but I didn't want to appear biased toward any particular region. Besides those places are lame anyway.
Then I tried out thelord.com, but some asshole is using it as a money-making search portal (excuse my French). Iamthelord.com, iamgod.com, yhwh.com...you name it, someone's got it. So I made some phone calls. Would you believe that Network Solutions offered to sell me one of my requested domain name choices for $12,000? I explained who I was and the reason for my request and the customer service rep, Gary Elsley, laughed and suggested that I was a mentally disabled person. Guess who got in a car accident on their way home last week? Don't worry, he'll be alright. The irony was that he was doing a whole lot of praying on the ambulance ride.
Anyway, so I finally tracked down what I hope is a good place to set up shop. I'll be answering all questions, whether they are posted here or simply thought. There will also be plenty of clarifications on misunderstandings throughout the ages, specific arguments addressed, and the meaning of life explained (since everyone is so interested) .
Some ground rules:
1. Don't correct my spelling or grammar. Remember, all of that stuff is from someone's imagination.
2. Don't bash anyone else's questions. Just because they're stupid, doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
3. Don't ask me why any specific person 'had to die' or any other depressing crap like that (you don't really want me to tell you anyway!).
That's about it! Everything else goes. It's a free universe, right? Unless you're trying to get a goddam domain name.
-IATIA
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)