A New Gospel

So I've been getting a lot of requests lately to announce a new gospel. This is coming from around the office up here as well as from a bunch of your thoughts and prayers. I'm starting to feel a bit like the surviving members of the Beatles felt around the time John Lennon arrived up top. Everyone was asking them for more...when do we get something new? We've played out the old stuff, wah! Well, maybe if you listen to Sgt. Peppers with a new outlook you might be able to enjoy it again...of course not like the first time, but maybe in a new way. The same might be true for certain gospels or psalms or what have you. I mean, I'm no expert on the bible, but you know there's some sections that people hardly read. Even the priests wince past certain sections and hope no one notices they always ignore that entire area.

But, okay, I hear you. I'll bust out the ol' scratch pad and come up with something good. There are a lot of stories from way back when that none of you ever read about that are now long forgotten. I might just be able to do some creative editing and come up with an entirely original addendum to my apparently "played-out" White Album. For instance, I bet none of you knew about Moses' gay brother, Garrett, or the time that Abraham got caught stealing sunflower seeds from his neighborhood market. Yeah, I just have to pick something really relevant to modern times.

I'll get back to you...

-IATIA

Ahh...Sundays.

I try not to feel wounded when Sundays come around. It being the one day a week that many of you think for a second about that which created you. The ONE day...out of SEVEN. Nice. Good to feel appreciated. See, this is why you all used to have world-covering floods and overnight plagues. But, it's okay...really...I'm over it. Maybe. Or maybe after you die we'll have a little chat and I'll bust out your file:

G: So, welcome to your exit interview. Let's start off with a look-see at the stats for your x number of years of mortal existence.

You: Stats? Um...can I just go in and get to the clouds and stuff?

G: We'll get to that...perhaps. We like to see how much of your time was spent thinking about your creator.

You: Oh...errr...see I didn't know...

G: Shhh...so, we've got roughly 526,000 minutes in a year...you were alive for x number of minutes in total. Let's subtract your childhood discount of 3 million minutes, take out the sleeping time discount of y minutes...and it looks like you spent...hmmm...well...

You: What? How much?

G: Well, definitely less than 1% of your waking life. Actually, more like .01%, if that.

You: That can't be right. What about that time at Yosemite?

G: That was 2 minutes, my child, and yes, it's included.

Yeah, I think there might be some changes around the office. But don't change for me, oh no, I don't want that at all. You just go about your business...think what you want to think, and I'll see you down the road. Down the road being tomorrow in your case, Beatrice Prewitt. Sorry...

-IATIA