The Seven, Quote-Unquote, Deadly Sins

The time has arrived to correct a certain list of supposed “sins” that were mistakenly adopted by certain faiths a long, long time ago. Some monk in the 4th century was bored one day and decided to list all of the stuff he hated about himself and then advertise the list as a what-not-to-do for the greater population. This monk was what we refer to in biblical texts as a “hater”.

The list of the so-called sins are as follows: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.

Lust: Everybody wants to get laid. It’s built into your brains at a level deeper than you are supposed to be able to control. This is so you can procreate and have your species continue to exist on the planet. To fight this would be simply wrong, unless you're some deviant scumbag lusting after kids in which case you should just kill yourself and save everyone else from your problems.

Gluttony: Everyone wants to grub. Your bodies need calories and fat and all of that other stuff so you can, again, continue to live and your species maintains its existence on the planet. If you don’t mind being a fat ass and having everyone stare at you and wish you wouldn’t show yourself in public, by all means, overeat. There are health considerations, of course, and your doctor has told you that drinking KFC gravy like a milkshake is not good for you.

Greed: Everyone wants to be rich. You see some dude driving down the boulevard in a kickass sports car and you wish you had what he had. This also covers the envy bit. You want stuff, you want other people’s stuff, you want to keep the stuff you already have, and you don’t want to look lame to others. This is what drives success in the world. Very natural.

Sloth: This one is a bit confusing, because it’s not really a sin at all, but furry mammals belonging to the families Megalonychidae and Bradypodidae. Some of them are rather cute while others are rather disturbing looking, but either way they have no bearing on human sin and therefore exemplify why the list of deadly sins is so ridiculous.

Wrath: Everyone gets angry sometimes. If you didn’t get angry when you saw a grizzly bear trying to drag off a toddler, your species would be in big trouble. Anger is an essential ingredient in any well-rounded individual.

Envy: As I mentioned in the greed section, wanting what other people have is the best and biggest driver for ambition and success.

Pride: How often do moms tell their kids “I’m so proud of you!”. Are these moms to be damned to the infernos of hell? I think not. Pride is great. There are a lot of people that are just awesome. If they don’t know they are awesome, very nice for them, humble people sometimes get laid, too, but for everyone else who rules, they know it and should be proud of it. I know that I’m pretty badass and I challenge anyone to say otherwise. I’m proud of my baddassity and everyone else should be proud of theirs too.

That’s all for now, my children. I hope that I have offered some long overdue enlightenment to society.