The time has arrived to correct a certain list of supposed “sins” that were mistakenly adopted by certain faiths a long, long time ago. Some monk in the 4th century was bored one day and decided to list all of the stuff he hated about himself and then advertise the list as a what-not-to-do for the greater population. This monk was what we refer to in biblical texts as a “hater”.
The list of the so-called sins are as follows: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride.
Lust: Everybody wants to get laid. It’s built into your brains at a level deeper than you are supposed to be able to control. This is so you can procreate and have your species continue to exist on the planet. To fight this would be simply wrong, unless you're some deviant scumbag lusting after kids in which case you should just kill yourself and save everyone else from your problems.
Gluttony: Everyone wants to grub. Your bodies need calories and fat and all of that other stuff so you can, again, continue to live and your species maintains its existence on the planet. If you don’t mind being a fat ass and having everyone stare at you and wish you wouldn’t show yourself in public, by all means, overeat. There are health considerations, of course, and your doctor has told you that drinking KFC gravy like a milkshake is not good for you.
Greed: Everyone wants to be rich. You see some dude driving down the boulevard in a kickass sports car and you wish you had what he had. This also covers the envy bit. You want stuff, you want other people’s stuff, you want to keep the stuff you already have, and you don’t want to look lame to others. This is what drives success in the world. Very natural.
Sloth: This one is a bit confusing, because it’s not really a sin at all, but furry mammals belonging to the families Megalonychidae and Bradypodidae. Some of them are rather cute while others are rather disturbing looking, but either way they have no bearing on human sin and therefore exemplify why the list of deadly sins is so ridiculous.
Wrath: Everyone gets angry sometimes. If you didn’t get angry when you saw a grizzly bear trying to drag off a toddler, your species would be in big trouble. Anger is an essential ingredient in any well-rounded individual.
Envy: As I mentioned in the greed section, wanting what other people have is the best and biggest driver for ambition and success.
Pride: How often do moms tell their kids “I’m so proud of you!”. Are these moms to be damned to the infernos of hell? I think not. Pride is great. There are a lot of people that are just awesome. If they don’t know they are awesome, very nice for them, humble people sometimes get laid, too, but for everyone else who rules, they know it and should be proud of it. I know that I’m pretty badass and I challenge anyone to say otherwise. I’m proud of my baddassity and everyone else should be proud of theirs too.
That’s all for now, my children. I hope that I have offered some long overdue enlightenment to society.
Monday
Veridicus: A New Gospel
So it took me a little while to put this together. Some of the angels had some serious opinions about it and, of course, meetings to discuss it ensued, blah blah blah, here we have the final product. Let’s see if it changes the world.
Veridicus
1: And the LORD called unto Hank, and spake unto him out of the right, front pocket of his jeans, saying,
2: Speak unto MY children, and say unto them that MY wishes be simple:
3: Watch Heroes on NBC Monday nights at 9:00pm, because it’s awesome.
4: Fringe, from the guy that created Lost is also turning out to be pretty cool, but you really have to suspend your disbelief; even more so than with most of The X-Files, but if you just let it all go, you’ll dig it.
5: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is actually really good and John Connor is played by the friend of the cheerleader in Heroes, so that should tell you that it must be sweet. Also, the chick terminator is both hot and funny.
6: Don’t watch any more reality shows. Things that don’t count as reality shows are Dancing With The Stars and American Idol, you can watch those if you have to, but no more Temptation Island and Flavor of Love bullshit.
7: It’s ok for your kids to see stuff with sex, nudity, and swearing, but no violence.
8: And then the LORD called unto Melissa, and spake unto her as she awoke from her anesthesia, saying,
9: Did you really need to upgrade to an over-sized D when you were already a full C? They are ugly and don’t feel good to guys, no matter what they tell you.
10: And then Melissa cried and said unto her friends that she is so depressed and just doesn’t know what she’s going to do,
11: And her friends rolled their eyes and pretended to care and said things like “O my god, Mel, that is so wrong!” and “You didn’t deserve that, girl!”
12: And when the time came that Melissa finally found her happiness again, it was because of the tummy lipo and ass-reshaping surgeries.
13: And then the LORD gave up and spake loudly to their deaf ears, “screw all of you, you are on your own!”
Veridicus
1: And the LORD called unto Hank, and spake unto him out of the right, front pocket of his jeans, saying,
2: Speak unto MY children, and say unto them that MY wishes be simple:
3: Watch Heroes on NBC Monday nights at 9:00pm, because it’s awesome.
4: Fringe, from the guy that created Lost is also turning out to be pretty cool, but you really have to suspend your disbelief; even more so than with most of The X-Files, but if you just let it all go, you’ll dig it.
5: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles is actually really good and John Connor is played by the friend of the cheerleader in Heroes, so that should tell you that it must be sweet. Also, the chick terminator is both hot and funny.
6: Don’t watch any more reality shows. Things that don’t count as reality shows are Dancing With The Stars and American Idol, you can watch those if you have to, but no more Temptation Island and Flavor of Love bullshit.
7: It’s ok for your kids to see stuff with sex, nudity, and swearing, but no violence.
8: And then the LORD called unto Melissa, and spake unto her as she awoke from her anesthesia, saying,
9: Did you really need to upgrade to an over-sized D when you were already a full C? They are ugly and don’t feel good to guys, no matter what they tell you.
10: And then Melissa cried and said unto her friends that she is so depressed and just doesn’t know what she’s going to do,
11: And her friends rolled their eyes and pretended to care and said things like “O my god, Mel, that is so wrong!” and “You didn’t deserve that, girl!”
12: And when the time came that Melissa finally found her happiness again, it was because of the tummy lipo and ass-reshaping surgeries.
13: And then the LORD gave up and spake loudly to their deaf ears, “screw all of you, you are on your own!”
A New Gospel
So I've been getting a lot of requests lately to announce a new gospel. This is coming from around the office up here as well as from a bunch of your thoughts and prayers. I'm starting to feel a bit like the surviving members of the Beatles felt around the time John Lennon arrived up top. Everyone was asking them for more...when do we get something new? We've played out the old stuff, wah! Well, maybe if you listen to Sgt. Peppers with a new outlook you might be able to enjoy it again...of course not like the first time, but maybe in a new way. The same might be true for certain gospels or psalms or what have you. I mean, I'm no expert on the bible, but you know there's some sections that people hardly read. Even the priests wince past certain sections and hope no one notices they always ignore that entire area.
But, okay, I hear you. I'll bust out the ol' scratch pad and come up with something good. There are a lot of stories from way back when that none of you ever read about that are now long forgotten. I might just be able to do some creative editing and come up with an entirely original addendum to my apparently "played-out" White Album. For instance, I bet none of you knew about Moses' gay brother, Garrett, or the time that Abraham got caught stealing sunflower seeds from his neighborhood market. Yeah, I just have to pick something really relevant to modern times.
I'll get back to you...
-IATIA
But, okay, I hear you. I'll bust out the ol' scratch pad and come up with something good. There are a lot of stories from way back when that none of you ever read about that are now long forgotten. I might just be able to do some creative editing and come up with an entirely original addendum to my apparently "played-out" White Album. For instance, I bet none of you knew about Moses' gay brother, Garrett, or the time that Abraham got caught stealing sunflower seeds from his neighborhood market. Yeah, I just have to pick something really relevant to modern times.
I'll get back to you...
-IATIA
Sunday
Ahh...Sundays.
I try not to feel wounded when Sundays come around. It being the one day a week that many of you think for a second about that which created you. The ONE day...out of SEVEN. Nice. Good to feel appreciated. See, this is why you all used to have world-covering floods and overnight plagues. But, it's okay...really...I'm over it. Maybe. Or maybe after you die we'll have a little chat and I'll bust out your file:
G: So, welcome to your exit interview. Let's start off with a look-see at the stats for your x number of years of mortal existence.
You: Stats? Um...can I just go in and get to the clouds and stuff?
G: We'll get to that...perhaps. We like to see how much of your time was spent thinking about your creator.
You: Oh...errr...see I didn't know...
G: Shhh...so, we've got roughly 526,000 minutes in a year...you were alive for x number of minutes in total. Let's subtract your childhood discount of 3 million minutes, take out the sleeping time discount of y minutes...and it looks like you spent...hmmm...well...
You: What? How much?
G: Well, definitely less than 1% of your waking life. Actually, more like .01%, if that.
You: That can't be right. What about that time at Yosemite?
G: That was 2 minutes, my child, and yes, it's included.
Yeah, I think there might be some changes around the office. But don't change for me, oh no, I don't want that at all. You just go about your business...think what you want to think, and I'll see you down the road. Down the road being tomorrow in your case, Beatrice Prewitt. Sorry...
-IATIA
G: So, welcome to your exit interview. Let's start off with a look-see at the stats for your x number of years of mortal existence.
You: Stats? Um...can I just go in and get to the clouds and stuff?
G: We'll get to that...perhaps. We like to see how much of your time was spent thinking about your creator.
You: Oh...errr...see I didn't know...
G: Shhh...so, we've got roughly 526,000 minutes in a year...you were alive for x number of minutes in total. Let's subtract your childhood discount of 3 million minutes, take out the sleeping time discount of y minutes...and it looks like you spent...hmmm...well...
You: What? How much?
G: Well, definitely less than 1% of your waking life. Actually, more like .01%, if that.
You: That can't be right. What about that time at Yosemite?
G: That was 2 minutes, my child, and yes, it's included.
Yeah, I think there might be some changes around the office. But don't change for me, oh no, I don't want that at all. You just go about your business...think what you want to think, and I'll see you down the road. Down the road being tomorrow in your case, Beatrice Prewitt. Sorry...
-IATIA
Tuesday
Initial Batch of Questions Answered
Now that I am through complaining, on to the important stuff. So many questions, and so little time with your pitifully minute mortal lifespans. Sorry about that...my bad. So I keep a running tally of the most popular questions at any given time. Usually they are pretty much the same for any given era. For instance, at the moment, the numero uno question is "Are you real?" or variations thereof (i.e. "do you exist?"). I batch all of those together.
Now, 100 years ago, the most popular question was not one that sought to confirm my existence, but rather clarifying my wishes (i.e. "How do you want me to live my life?", "Am I making the right choice?", etc .).
What's funny is that if you go back 1000 years, it's a whole different story. People would ask a question, not even give me a chance to answer in my own way and then start making up their damned minds! Example: "Holiest Lord in the heavens above...God of all things here and there and everywhere else...[they were much more flowery back in the day]...Sweet, gracious, wondrous, studious Father of sweetness...shall I fight the [insert enemy here] who defile your beautificus plains with their smelly feet and scabby elbows? Should I kill them all...every one that I see? Or just some? All of them? Most of them? Be merciful on a few? Yes...okay...I will do your bidding, my Lord."
Yeah, things change, but not really. You'd be surprised how much of that crap I still get.
On to the top 5:
Q: Are you real?
A: No. (I've always wanted to answer that way!! Have some kid be kneeling by his bed, praying sweetly, ask "Can you even hear me...are you really real?" and then I bust out the echoing boom voice: {{{"NO!"}}} and let him figure out what the hell that meant.
Q: Whose side are you on?
A: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: YOURS. What do I say if they ask me the same question? Well, what do you think?
Q: Was Jesus your son?
A: This is an easy one for me to dodge folks: Of course..you ALL are my children. ZANG! (that's the sound of a lightning bolt, by the way. It's my trademark, occasionally represented in print with a simple "Z!")
Q: Why don't you talk to people anymore?
A: Look, gimme a break. I don't want to go messing with any of your existing traditions, okay? Someone says Abraham went up on a hill and I gave him ten commandments, if that makes you happy, keep believing it. For the longest time, some Nordic brute named Thor was supposed to be my son! It's hard for me to keep up sometimes, alright? I've never wanted to talk to people because I'd always be saying the wrong thing to someone. The right thing for Noah is the wrong thing for Su Ming.
Derivative question from above: so why are you writing this blog?
A: People say whatever they want on the internet, why can't I?
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Exactly.
Okeedokey, now that I got the generic ones out of the way, I'm going to answer a random assortment of prayers I get in the next minute.
Paul-Henri Gravois; Nantes, France: Go upstairs, into your bedroom, move the lamp off the nightstand, slide the nightstand away from the wall. Yeah, it rolled right off.
Muunokhoi Bat; Orkhon, Mongolia: No you may not. Freak.
Francisco De La Rosa-Varela; La Plata, Argentina: Yes.
Craig Gilman; Concord, NH, USA: Use these tomorrow 4 - 8 - 23 - 31 - 46 » 11
Homeless guy outside the Green Line's Austin station, Chicago, IL: Go three blocks East, turn left down that alley, 4th garage on the right. Yeah, check out what some idiot threw out! Score!
That will do it for today, faithful. More to come next time.
Now, 100 years ago, the most popular question was not one that sought to confirm my existence, but rather clarifying my wishes (i.e. "How do you want me to live my life?", "Am I making the right choice?", etc .).
What's funny is that if you go back 1000 years, it's a whole different story. People would ask a question, not even give me a chance to answer in my own way and then start making up their damned minds! Example: "Holiest Lord in the heavens above...God of all things here and there and everywhere else...[they were much more flowery back in the day]...Sweet, gracious, wondrous, studious Father of sweetness...shall I fight the [insert enemy here] who defile your beautificus plains with their smelly feet and scabby elbows? Should I kill them all...every one that I see? Or just some? All of them? Most of them? Be merciful on a few? Yes...okay...I will do your bidding, my Lord."
Yeah, things change, but not really. You'd be surprised how much of that crap I still get.
On to the top 5:
Q: Are you real?
A: No. (I've always wanted to answer that way!! Have some kid be kneeling by his bed, praying sweetly, ask "Can you even hear me...are you really real?" and then I bust out the echoing boom voice: {{{"NO!"}}} and let him figure out what the hell that meant.
Q: Whose side are you on?
A: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: YOURS. What do I say if they ask me the same question? Well, what do you think?
Q: Was Jesus your son?
A: This is an easy one for me to dodge folks: Of course..you ALL are my children. ZANG! (that's the sound of a lightning bolt, by the way. It's my trademark, occasionally represented in print with a simple "Z!")
Q: Why don't you talk to people anymore?
A: Look, gimme a break. I don't want to go messing with any of your existing traditions, okay? Someone says Abraham went up on a hill and I gave him ten commandments, if that makes you happy, keep believing it. For the longest time, some Nordic brute named Thor was supposed to be my son! It's hard for me to keep up sometimes, alright? I've never wanted to talk to people because I'd always be saying the wrong thing to someone. The right thing for Noah is the wrong thing for Su Ming.
Derivative question from above: so why are you writing this blog?
A: People say whatever they want on the internet, why can't I?
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Exactly.
Okeedokey, now that I got the generic ones out of the way, I'm going to answer a random assortment of prayers I get in the next minute.
Paul-Henri Gravois; Nantes, France: Go upstairs, into your bedroom, move the lamp off the nightstand, slide the nightstand away from the wall. Yeah, it rolled right off.
Muunokhoi Bat; Orkhon, Mongolia: No you may not. Freak.
Francisco De La Rosa-Varela; La Plata, Argentina: Yes.
Craig Gilman; Concord, NH, USA: Use these tomorrow 4 - 8 - 23 - 31 - 46 » 11
Homeless guy outside the Green Line's Austin station, Chicago, IL: Go three blocks East, turn left down that alley, 4th garage on the right. Yeah, check out what some idiot threw out! Score!
That will do it for today, faithful. More to come next time.
Monday
You Don't Make it Easy
I suppose I should have jumped on the bandwagon sooner, but this has been a trying experience creating a new forum.
I'm obviously not accustomed to expending much effort to get things done, and I'm also not the sort to complain about not getting my way. But as I have been known to be angry from time to time, I think it is best for all that I express my exasperation at this whole internet experience.
First, I tried to acquire the domain name god.com. That was a no go, so I tried some of the alternatives...god.net, god.org, even god.info and god.biz. There were a few oddball, geography-oriented extensions available, such as .qc.com and .se.net, but I didn't want to appear biased toward any particular region. Besides those places are lame anyway.
Then I tried out thelord.com, but some asshole is using it as a money-making search portal (excuse my French). Iamthelord.com, iamgod.com, yhwh.com...you name it, someone's got it. So I made some phone calls. Would you believe that Network Solutions offered to sell me one of my requested domain name choices for $12,000? I explained who I was and the reason for my request and the customer service rep, Gary Elsley, laughed and suggested that I was a mentally disabled person. Guess who got in a car accident on their way home last week? Don't worry, he'll be alright. The irony was that he was doing a whole lot of praying on the ambulance ride.
Anyway, so I finally tracked down what I hope is a good place to set up shop. I'll be answering all questions, whether they are posted here or simply thought. There will also be plenty of clarifications on misunderstandings throughout the ages, specific arguments addressed, and the meaning of life explained (since everyone is so interested) .
Some ground rules:
1. Don't correct my spelling or grammar. Remember, all of that stuff is from someone's imagination.
2. Don't bash anyone else's questions. Just because they're stupid, doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
3. Don't ask me why any specific person 'had to die' or any other depressing crap like that (you don't really want me to tell you anyway!).
That's about it! Everything else goes. It's a free universe, right? Unless you're trying to get a goddam domain name.
-IATIA
I'm obviously not accustomed to expending much effort to get things done, and I'm also not the sort to complain about not getting my way. But as I have been known to be angry from time to time, I think it is best for all that I express my exasperation at this whole internet experience.
First, I tried to acquire the domain name god.com. That was a no go, so I tried some of the alternatives...god.net, god.org, even god.info and god.biz. There were a few oddball, geography-oriented extensions available, such as .qc.com and .se.net, but I didn't want to appear biased toward any particular region. Besides those places are lame anyway.
Then I tried out thelord.com, but some asshole is using it as a money-making search portal (excuse my French). Iamthelord.com, iamgod.com, yhwh.com...you name it, someone's got it. So I made some phone calls. Would you believe that Network Solutions offered to sell me one of my requested domain name choices for $12,000? I explained who I was and the reason for my request and the customer service rep, Gary Elsley, laughed and suggested that I was a mentally disabled person. Guess who got in a car accident on their way home last week? Don't worry, he'll be alright. The irony was that he was doing a whole lot of praying on the ambulance ride.
Anyway, so I finally tracked down what I hope is a good place to set up shop. I'll be answering all questions, whether they are posted here or simply thought. There will also be plenty of clarifications on misunderstandings throughout the ages, specific arguments addressed, and the meaning of life explained (since everyone is so interested) .
Some ground rules:
1. Don't correct my spelling or grammar. Remember, all of that stuff is from someone's imagination.
2. Don't bash anyone else's questions. Just because they're stupid, doesn't mean they don't have feelings.
3. Don't ask me why any specific person 'had to die' or any other depressing crap like that (you don't really want me to tell you anyway!).
That's about it! Everything else goes. It's a free universe, right? Unless you're trying to get a goddam domain name.
-IATIA
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